It is a terrifying situation to come home and find the house is empty. Desertion is thankfully rare, but devastating when your partner has left with your children without warning. Firstly, don’t panic.

Most importantly, consider the reasons why you believe your partner has left. Before taking any action you should review the circumstances that led up to their leaving and whether you also believe the relationship to be over:

· It may be that your partner simply needed to get away due to unhappiness about some aspect of their life and they were struggling to cope.

· If you have been guilty of domestic violence, they may have been advised to remove themselves and your children from an abusive situation into a place of safety.

· Your relationship may have been in trouble for some time and they decided that the relationship was over but felt unable to tell you.

When someone leaves without warning, it is usually because they feel the need to take control of their lives.

I still love my ex-partner, what can I do? <Back to Top>

Again this depends entirely on the circumstances, and whether you believe that your partner is able to provide a suitable level of care for your children. If you have no concerns over your partner’s mental health, and if there are no ‘risk’ issues to consider such as parental alcoholism, drug addiction or abusive behaviour, you have several options:

1. Wait for your partner to make contact.

2. Ask friends or family to intercede on your behalf (if they know where your partner is).

3. Contact a solicitor.

4. Join the charity Families Need Fathers who can provide information and support. A National Charity founded thirty years ago which also helps mothers. They have a helpline which is 0300 0300 363. It costs around £35 to join, and they have regional branch meetings where you can access face-to-face support. Their internet forums are an excellent source of advice. If you choose not to use a solicitor, or cannot afford one, they also provide details of McKenzie Friends (lay advisors) who may assist in case preparation and also can be with you in court.

In any relationship experiencing difficulties, communication is the best way to resolve the underlying problems. If you do manage to speak to your partner, or if family and friends will pass on a message on your behalf, show a willingness to listen to the reasons that led to your partner leaving home.

A willingness not only to consider your partner’s feelings but also look at and consider changing your own behaviour may help to save your relationship. Couple counselling will help with this, especially when communication has broken down. Importantly, your partner also needs to consider your feelings for the relationship to work, and couple counselling shouldn’t be a one-sided process. You can find a counselor experienced in couple counselling via the Counselling Directory.

What can I do if I think there are risks to my children? <Back to Top>

If you think your children are at risk, you may find yourself facing mixed emotions. To involve Social Services may jeopardise your relationship with your partner and it may drive a permanent wedge between you (no one likes being told that people don’t think they are a safe parent). You have several options and your choice has to be based on your current situation and the reasons for your concern. If you’re not sure what to do, then take advice.

The options are:

1. Phone the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. The NSPCC staff are trained Social Workers and will refer you to Social Services if they share your concern.

2. Contact your local Social Services Child Protection Unit.

3. Contact the Police.

4. Go to court and ask the judge to grant an order to seek and find and recover the children to your care. You may also apply for an Emergency Protection Order (see our separate guide Emergency Protection Orders page) if you think the children are at risk of significant harm. .

5. If you think there is any risk of the children being unlawfully removed abroad, contact the charity Reunite.

Remember the people with the ultimate responsibility for ensuring children’s welfare are the parents. However you’re advised, make the decision your decision and try to remain objective. It may help you to sit down with a family member or close friend to discuss what you should do and for emotional support.

What can I do to help trace my children? <Back to Top>

If Social Services, the Courts or the Police share your concerns, then provide as much information as you can to help trace them. Filling your time can help you to cope emotionally, especially when you’re doing something practical. Put together a pack of the following:

· Your partner’s mobile phone number, as well as those of your children if they have them. The Police can very accurately trace the signal from a mobile phone.

· A list of contact details for friends and family including telephone numbers and addresses.

· If your ex-partner works, their employer’s address and contact details.

· Recent photographs of your ex-partner and children.

· Bank details for your ex-partner. The use of credit cards can be traced to specific stores and outlets to help locate someone.

· If your ex-partner drives and has taken the car then write down the make, model, colour, and registration number of the vehicle.

· Passport numbers. If you’re worried your children may have been taken abroad, refer to our information sheet on International Child Abduction. The charity Reunite also provide information to assist parents in preventing international child abduction, and can advise in the event that the children are unlawfully removed abroad.

Bear in mind that if your ex-partner claims Social Security they will need to give their current address to the Benefits Office. It is very difficult to “disappear” for long.

If you do not consider your children to be at risk, you could speak to your partner’s friends and family. If this does not help you, you could apply to the court for a ‘Seek and Find’ Order.

How do I apply to the court for a ‘Seek and Find Order’? <Back to Top>

If you are using a solicitor, they will do this for you. Otherwise, download and complete the Form C4. A Form C4 can be downloaded from our Court Forms page. Print and sign three copies of the form.

Check how much the court fees are, and either take a cheque, postal order or cash for that amount when you go to your local family court.

It will assist both you and the judge if you write a brief ‘Position Statement’. Try to keep the position statement to two to three pages, setting out briefly why you are applying for residence, and why you believe it to be in the children’s best interests. Be factual, and try to be objective in what you write, and the language you use.

A position statement is not essential, but it helps inform the judge, briefly and ideally succinctly, why you are applying for the order, and can assist you in court so you do not forget any points you wish to raise.

Before setting off for the court building, ensure you have with you:

a] Three completed and signed copies of the forms;

b] The cash, cheque or postal order to pay the court fee;

c] Three copies of your Position Statement (if you have time to write one).

Hand in the court forms, fee and position statement to the court’s administration department.

Finding your local family court <Back to Top>

You can use HMCS Court Finder to do this. Once on that website, enter in your region under ‘Court Region Search’. Then make sure that ‘Court Work Type Search’ is set to ‘Family Work’. Then search under ‘Court Type’ and do a search first on ‘Combined Crown and County Court’, then ‘County and Magistrates Court’, and then ‘County Court and District Registry’. Choose the court which is closest to where you live and print the details.

What are your concerns? <Back to Top>

If you believe your children to be at risk of harm, you are more likely to be taken seriously if you can substantiate your concerns (otherwise there may be an inclination to think this is merely a domestic dispute). That doesn’t mean that your concerns won’t be investigated, but to have your children brought home, you need to be able to show there are sufficient grounds for concern to warrant this. The following risks should be taken very seriously:

1. Drug addiction. If your partner has an addiction, make the agencies aware of this. If your General Practitioner can confirm this, provide their contact details as well.

2. Alcohol addiction: as above.

3. Mental Illness. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean your ex-partner is incapable of looking after the children, but certain forms of illness may carry risk depending on the severity of the condition. If your partner has a diagnosed mental illness, or has been seeing a therapist, provide details to the agencies while understanding that their illness may have no bearing on their current actions.

4. Mental Disorder: similar to the above.

5. Domestic Violence. If your partner has ever been violent, tell the agencies at this point.

6. Criminal Convictions. Having a criminal record doesn’t mean your partner is an unsafe parent, but it may raise additional concern.

7. Corroboration. Is there anyone else who has shared your concern about your partner’s behaviour such as friends and family, the school, a child minder, health visitor, GP, counselor, teacher or other person?

Patient confidentiality can be overridden in cases where there is concern of risk to children.

If my children are at risk, should I speak to a solicitor? <Back to Top>

If you don’t have Parental Responsibility, it is important to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible to make an application to the Court for this to be granted. Once Social Services become involved, it can become a public law matter (not private law), and being a biological parent doesn’t mean that your children will automatically come back to live with you if your partner doesn’t return to your house.

What will Social Services do? <Back to Top>

If Social Services become involved, their priority won’t be to reunite you with your child, but to ensure that your child is safe. If your ex-partner has taken your child to stay with relatives, friends, or is in a refuge, then they may not even inform you of the location of your child. That said, informing Social Services of your concerns may get you some support and immediate action.

Social Services have a duty to take action if they (not you) consider your child to be at risk, or likely to be at risk, of significant harm.

How long will it take Social Services to carry out an assessment? <Back to Top>

You’ll need to justify your concerns and push for the initial assessment to be undertaken quickly. The guidelines for the speed of response are as follows:

Social Services should decide what form of response is appropriate from them within 24 hours of being contacted. If they do decide to investigate, a brief assessment of your children’s circumstances (called an initial assessment) should be carried out within seven days (or earlier depending on the situation).

If a more in-depth assessment is required (called a core assessment) this will usually be concluded within 35 days depending on the need to involve other agencies (such as Mental Health Services).

By choosing to report the matter to Social Services, the speed of response and nature of investigation, together with any decision, is taken out of your hands and the child may not be returned to you. Social Services may decide to go to Court to apply for a number of different orders.

What can the Police do? <Back to Top>

If you contact the Police, be clear about what you want them to do. Are you contacting them just to check that your child is safe, or do you firmly believe your child needs to be taken into Police protection?

The Police have specialist officers called Child Protection Officers. The Police have the power to remove a child from their home, or elsewhere if there are concerns about the child’s welfare.

The Police can keep a child under Police protection for up to 72 hours. They must inform Social Services as soon as is practically possible and Social Services are responsible for organising accommodation for the child. The Police do not have to inform you of where your child is, however they do have to provide you with the name of the Social Worker handling the case. They also have a duty to tell parents that their child is under Police protection.

You may be able to agree with Social Services that you are best placed to care for your child during this period of time. Alternatively, Social Services may decide to go to Court to apply for an Emergency Protection Order, or to request that the Court make a Supervision or Care Order.

A Care Order allows Social Services to take the children named in the order into care for as long as the order remains in force. A Supervision Order places the child under the supervision of Social Services and the Social Worker should assist, advise and befriend them.

Guidelines for the Police were changed following Lord Laming’s inquiry into the death of Victoria Climbié. One important recommendation was that the children should be seen and their circumstances assessed prior to being taken into Police protection.

If I believe the children to be at risk, can I handle the matter myself? <Back to Top>

You can handle the matter yourself by making a private application to the Court for an Emergency Protection Order and Recovery Order depending on the seriousness of your concern. We have a separate guide to Emergency Protection Orders. Again, an application for an Emergency Protection Order should only be made if you believe your children to be at risk of significant harm. If an Emergency Protection Order is made:

· Social Services have a responsibility to carry out an investigation.

· The Emergency Protection Order can include powers to compel anyone else who may know the whereabouts of the children to divulge this information. It also gives the police the power to enter and search premises using reasonable force,

· When a Recovery Order is made, the Police are responsible for returning your children, and will carry out an investigation.

· If the children are missing, and concern exists about their safety, the police will assist in locating them.

Be aware that an Emergency Protection Order only lasts for 8 days, and during that time both you and the other parent can make applications for other court orders, including residence. If you do not have parental responsibility, you should also apply for this as a matter of urgency to ensure you are included in decisions about your children if Social Services become involved.

Approaching a solicitor <Back to Top>

If you approach a solicitor to help you, make sure they specialise in family law. Questions to ask should include:

· How quickly can you appear before the Court?

· What will it cost?

· What will happen afterwards? You may then need to apply for a Residence Order, or find yourself as the Respondent if your partner is the one who applies to the Courts for residence of the children.

· What are your chances of having the Emergency Protection and Recovery Orders made in your favour?

· Are you eligible for legal aid?

What other types of Court Order might assist me, and could I apply for? <Back to Top>

If you are using a solicitor, they should advise you as to courses of action you can take. If you do not qualify for legal aid, and you cannot afford a solicitor, you might also consider applying for one or more of the following court orders yourself:

· Sole Residence Order, if you believe the children’s other parent incapable of providing adequate care, or if they present risk to the child. Complete Form C100 from our Court Forms page.

· Shared Residence Order, if you do not believe the other parent presents any risk to the children, and you wish to formalise arrangements for the children’s future care between you. Complete Form C100 from our Court Forms page.

· Seek and Find Order, to ascertain the children’s and the other parent’s whereabouts, so they can be served with Court papers. Complete Form C4 from our Court Forms page. You might also consider contacting a mediator, and asking them to invite your partner to a mediation session where an independent third party can assist both parents to reach agreement about arrangements for the children. You can find a local mediator by contacting the Family Mediation Helpline on 0845 60 26 627. You may decide to contact the other parent yourself, but we would advise doing this in writing. If you do write to them, make sure your letter is not accusatory, angry or aggressive (which will not help you or your children!).

· Contact Order. If you simply wish to ensure you see your children regularly. Complete Form C100 from our Court Forms page.

· Parental Responsibility Order. If you do not have parental responsibility, we strongly recommend you apply for this, as without parental responsibility, you may not be consulted over decisions about your children’s lives, including their being taken abroad. Complete Form C1 from our Court Forms page.

· Prohibited Steps Order. If you believe there is any risk that the other parent may remove your children abroad without consulting you, you should apply for a Prohibited Steps Order on an emergency basis (turn up at Court at 9am, with the completed paperwork, asking for the case to be heard that day) and without delay! In such circumstances, we would also recommend your asking for the children’s passports to be located an held by court tipstaff (officers of the court), and also that an ‘all ports warning’ be issued (where all ports of exit from the country are notified to watch out for the children and prevent their leaving the UK). We provide a simple, one page Quick Guide to assist you with this (it opens as a pdf file). Complete Form C100 from our Court Forms page. The charity Reunite (telephone number 01162 556 234) specialises in advising parents whose children are at risk of being unlawfully taken abroad, or who have already been removed, as does the Government’s International Child Abduction and Contact Unit (their telephone number is 020 7911 7047/7045).

Court fees can be found on our Court Fees page.

Support <Back to Top>

The Custody Minefield offers support forums where you can ask our team of experienced support staff questions about family law, the courts and separation. Collectively, we have answered more than 10,000 posts on other family law related support forums. Visit our Support Forum Page on The Custody Minefield website to find out how to register.

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