Helping Children Cope
The Custody Minefield Factsheets – Smartphone Series (optimised for
smartphone users). Copyright Michael Robinson 2010, 2011.
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How can I help my children to cope with
the separation?
How will your children react
and how can you help?
How can I strengthen my
relationship with my children?
Should I treat a teenager differently to a
younger child?
How can I help my
children to cope with the separation? <Back to top>
You children will be
affected by your separation. The way in which you behave with your ex-partner,
the amount of reassurance you give your children, and how you behave in front of
the children will either increase or reduce their stress.
Ensure conversations are appropriate to their age and emotional development.
How will your
children react and how can you help? <Back to top>
No two children will
necessarily react in the same way, but all will have underlying worries and
thoughts that you need to be aware of, and to help them to handle.
Guilt <Back to top>
Reassure your child
that they are in no way to blame or responsible for the situation. Regardless
of their age, perhaps the best way to let them know about the divorce is to say
“Mummy and Daddy have decided not to be together and will be happier living
apart.” If both of you can tell your children together, this will help.
Insecurity <Back to
top>
Your children need to
be reassured as to what will happen to them, where they will live, and that they
won’t “lose” one of their parents. Most importantly, they need to be reassured
that both parents unconditionally love them.
When younger children
see their parents separate, they may believe or fear that their parents’ love
for them is also conditional and uncertain. Reassure your children that both
parents love them and will always be there for them.
Change <Back to
top>
Change
brings about insecurity. Keep to
established routines. If the children are used to seeing grandparents at a
certain time, keep to this. If they have set activities, ensure they are
maintained.
With regard to
contact, establish new routines as quickly as you can. Speak with your
ex-partner and keep to the same bedtime routines, rules, methods of discipline,
and ensure you work collaboratively in their upbringing. Don’t try to outbid
each other with treats and toys since your children need consistency, and most
importantly, your time, security and love. Expensive toys are a poor
substitute.
It is also
understandable, especially as the contact parent, to relax boundaries (such as
disciplining your children for bad behaviour) since
you don’t want to risk your children being upset when they come to see you.
Boundaries help children to feel secure and you can reduce your worry by
strengthening the relationship with your children.
Confusion <Back to
top>
Why is this
happening? Give your children plenty of opportunities to ask questions, and limit
your answers to give them enough to let them know what is going to happen, but
not enough to disturb them. They don’t need to know the details of the Court
case, and hearing negative comments about their other parent will cause them
distress. Keep feelings of anger and blame out of discussions. Let your child
know that they can talk to you about how they feel at any time.
Sadness and Anger <Back to
top>
Validate their
feelings. “I know how sad/angry this has made you feel” and reassure them. “It
will take a little time for all of us to get used to the change, but we both
love you, and will always be there for you”. Encourage them to talk about their
feelings, and most importantly, listen to them.
Ask what would help
them. It may be a phone call to their absent parent or knowing what is going to
happen. You won’t know unless you ask, and the very fact of being asked will
help. Be as honest as you can about what will happen.
If there is a new
partner in your life, you may face resentment since displaying affection for
your new girlfriend or boyfriend can make your children feel disloyal or
jealous. Accept that it will take time to adjust to a new situation. Ensure you
spend time with them on your own and encourage them to talk about how they
feel, and also talk about how you feel. Keep the conversation appropriate to
their age and do not be disparage their other parent.
How can I strengthen
my relationship with my children? <Back to top>
You strengthen your
relationship by spending quality time together, when you can both relax and
have fun. Find activities you both enjoy. For younger children, this could be
going swimming, bowling, reading stories, taking them to activities and staying
involved, playing games together, or going to watch them take part in
activities (depending on their age).
Regardless of age,
show an interest in what interests them. If you don’t know, then now is the
best time to ask.
Mix with friends and
family who also have children, so there is an extended network of friends for
them to play with and talk to when they are with you.
Keep your promises.
If you say you will be there to pick them up at a certain time, or will take
them out for the weekend, don’t let them down. If you’re not sure whether
you’ll be able to do something, don’t promise it.
Keeping to
age-appropriate rules and boundaries helps a child to feel secure and helps
them prepare for life. Judge the times when those rules need to be relaxed a
little, but if your children’s behaviour slips,
consider your own actions, and whether more attention needs to be paid to
reassuring them by showing your love, interest, approval, and praise.
What warning signs of
stress should I look out for and what should I do? <Back to
top>
With toddlers and
preschool children, watch for regressive behaviour
such as thumb-sucking, bed-wetting and restless nights. They may become more
sensitive, have tantrums, and engage in power struggles. Keep boundaries in
place, but ensure they have your attention and reassurance.
With children of
school age it is worthwhile letting the school know
about the situation at home. If problems arise at school with the children’s work
or behaviour, then the school should be more
sympathetic and can work with you to support your child rather than simply
punishing them.
With teenagers, they
may become more argumentative or withdrawn and you may notice other marked
changes in their behaviour and attitude. Crisis
situations could include running away, alcohol or drug problems, eating disorders, self-harm or
depression.
Don’t be afraid to ask for outside help.
Don’t expect your
children to adjust to the change overnight and give them time to heal. If you
notice them emotionally supporting you through this change, think very
carefully whether you should be seeking support from elsewhere. It isn’t
healthy for children
to take on the role of parent and comforter.
If you become worried
about the levels of stress your child is showing, then consider talking
to your GP or a counsellor.
Discuss your concerns with your ex-partner and work with them. If you can,
encourage another member of your family such as your own siblings or parents or
an adult family friend to let your child know they can talk to them. Choose
someone who understands that blaming your ex-partner won’t help the children.
Should I treat a
teenager differently to a younger child? <Back to top>
Yes. Involve them in
decisions about contact. This means you should include them in decisions about
holidays and changing arrangements, but not necessarily agree to whatever they
say.
What can I do if my
children won’t talk to me? <Back to top>
If they won’t talk to
you about their feelings, and you are worried about how they are coping,
consider giving them the telephone number of Childline
or show them the website.
Reassure your
children that you are always there to talk to them, but if they feel unable to
confide in you, they can speak to someone at Childline
and that what they say will be treated in confidence. It is better that they
talk to a trained counsellor than bottle up their feelings.
Whatever
your children’s age, you can talk to your GP if you have concerns.
Family Lives is an excellent organisation
that provides support to parents and I would recommend talking to them if you
need to. The charity Families Need Fathers
have discussion forums and regional branch meetings where members can talk to
other parents and share information and advice.
What shouldn’t I do? <Back to
top>
No matter the
provocation, don’t ever fight or argue with your ex-partner in front of your
children. They learn from watching their parents, and in addition to the
emotional harm caused by witnessing your arguments, it can cause problems that
persist through to adulthood. Remember, the definition of harm to children within Family Law includes the impairment
of a child's development resulting from seeing or hearing the ill treatment of
another person
Children
adjust most quickly to parental separation when their parents work
collaboratively in their upbringing, and remain civil. Research confirms that
children fare best on all adjustment measures when subject to shared care
arrangements. Also see our Shared Care
Research page.
Support <Back to top>
You can find a counsellor to help your children come to terms with the
changes in their life via the British
Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy or your
family GP.
The charity Family Lives (which used to be called Parentline Plus) is also a good source of support and
advice.
The Custody Minefield offers support forums
where you can ask our team of experienced support staff questions about family
law, the courts and separation. Collectively, we have answered more than 10,000
posts on other family law related support forums. Visit our Support Forum Page on
The Custody Minefield website to find out how to register.
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Law Menu or return to The
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