Managing Stress
The Custody Minefield Factsheets –
Smartphone Series (optimised for smartphone users). Copyright Michael Robinson
2010.
How can I cope with these stresses?
My work is suffering and my
employer is unsupportive, what can I do?
What if I want the Court to see
how badly my ex-partner has behaved?
What if I want my children to
know I’m not the ‘bad’ party?
Will everyone understand my
stress?
What stresses do
people normally experience when separating? <Back to
Top>
Separation and Family
Law cases include many stress factors. These can include (and this is in no way
an exhaustive list):
·
grieving and guilt over the
demise of your relationship and a sense of failure
·
worrying whether your
children will live with you or not
·
not knowing how often you
will be allowed to see your children
·
being concerned and hurt
over allegations
·
feeling excluded from
important decisions about your children’s lives
·
worrying about your finances
·
feeling lonely
·
feeling you have little control
over what is going to happen
· having to
arrange new accommodation.
Feelings of stress
arise when situations feel outside our control. Being stressed in these
circumstances is entirely natural and appropriate to the situation.
How can I cope with
these stresses? <Back to Top>
If you find
everything is getting too much, sit down with a close family member or a counsellor and prioritise what
you need to do. You may decide that work will have to suffer and perhaps you
need some time off for stress.
Speak to your GP.
Again, use telephone
help lines if you need to - it's what they're there for. They are staffed by
caring people. The Samaritans
operate 24 hours a day. They may have other advice on what you can do to help
reduce some of your stress.
While you cannot remove yourself from this situation, you do have to get
through it, so try to make it manageable. Their telephone number is 08457 90 90
90.
If you find yourself
venting at your solicitor,
remember it costs upwards of £150 an hour to talk to them, while a counsellor costs £35 an hour and is better qualified to
help you cope emotionally. You can find a local private counsellor
by contacting the British Association of Counselling
and Psychotherapy or by being referred by your General
Practitioner.
You can also find a counsellor from The Counselling
Directory.
Accept that you are
only human, and don’t be embarrassed by asking for help.
My work is suffering
and my employer is unsupportive, what can I do? <Back to
Top>
In some ways, it's
better to take time out, rather than struggle on at work when you're not
hitting targets or reaching the required level of performance. Your health is
important for both yourself and your children.
Ensure your employer
is aware of the difficulties you are experiencing. Speak to your General
Practitioner and consider being signed off work due to
stress.
If you have been
suffering from stress for more than twelve months, legally this could count as
a disability, further strengthening your legal rights. Contact the Disability
Rights Commission who will be able to advise you.
My ex-partner keeps
trying to start an argument, what should I do? <Back to
Top>
If anything
contentious comes up while talking to your ex-partner, refuse to discuss it
immediately by saying you want to think about what they have said. Agree to
write to them, or ask them to write to you. This gives you time to consider what
you say, and have someone else check your reply. Ideally, have your solicitor
read, edit, and then send the letter on your behalf.
Arguments with your
ex-partner won't make the situation better, and are likely to put you in a much
weaker position.
What if I want the
Court to see how badly my ex-partner has behaved? <Back to
Top>
The Court will
respect you if you keep your concerns objective while the case is proceeding
(and afterwards) and will take note of your behaviour.
Keep statements to the Court unemotional and factual, and concentrate on
concerns about your children and their relationship with you.
What if I want my
children to know I’m not the ‘bad’ party? <Back to
Top>
Disparaging your
ex-partner to your children will cause them emotional harm. By all means speak
to a close family member about how dreadful your ex-partner is if you need to,
but it isn’t appropriate to say this to your children.
Be aware that
discussing the details of the case with friends is not allowed in law (see our
factsheet on Courts
and Confidentiality). To help you to cope with the emotional stresses of
the Court Case, the law allows you to discuss details of the case with a close
family member or a counsellor.
Your children will
make up their own minds and who is at fault matters less than how your children
are cared for. Be a loving and capable parent and this will be how they
perceive you to be.
What
else can I do? <Back to
Top>
Humour
and laughter help to relieve stress so see the irony in situations where you
can. Letting out pent-up emotion reduces feelings of stress, so don’t be afraid
to cry. Find places where you can let out emotions safely, and with people who
will be supportive.
Try to have some
activities that take you away from the situation. Don’t feel guilty about going
out with friends and having some fun if you feel able to.
Stress can take its
toll on you physically, so ensure you eat healthily and get plenty of sleep.
Taking part in sport will also help since exercise stimulates the production of
endorphins and natural opiates that help to create a sense of well-being. Sport
can also help with self-esteem and act as a distraction from the Court case.
Are
there things I shouldn’t do? <Back
to Top>
Don’t turn to drink
and cut down on the caffeine in your diet. Both of these can increase feelings
of anxiety.
Will everyone
understand my stress? <Back to Top>
Not necessarily. You
need to consider how you are perceived.
· If
you lose your temper with an assessor, Social Services,
CAFCASS, or
in front of the Judge, you may be accused of being an “aggressive character”.
· If
you appear overly emotional, you may be accused of being an anxious person.
· If
you lose your temper with your ex-partner, you may be accused of domestic
violence
(which includes emotional / psychological and physical abuse).
Don’t expect people
to make allowances for you. Consider your behaviour
in front of anyone who may report back to the Court.
Remember what is at
stake, and take the steps you need to help you to cope. Your children need you
to be balanced, stable, and healthy. They also need you to get through this in
one piece, and you need to not only be
a reasonable person, but you need to be seen
to be a reasonable person.
Other Support <Back to Top>
The Custody Minefield offers support forums where you can
ask our team of experienced support staff questions about family law, the
courts and separation. Collectively, we have answered more than 10,000 posts on
other family law related support forums. Visit our Support Forum Page on
The Custody Minefield website to find out how to register.